It all started, of course, with the 'like' button. Way back when, when Facebook was a novelty rather than ingrained into our routine like the morning evacuation, we all pondered the ramifications of 'the like'. There were opinion pieces on what it meant; we all had to get our heads around there being a constant medium with which you could comment on someone's life. Liking a status soon became the obvious way to support a friend (I like your life, ergo I like your tiny life detail). By the time Instagram came along, the likes were ever increasing and we had long ceased thinking about the politics of 'the like'. We just did it, incessantly. We 'like' to be 'liked' and we like to be liked. Capisce?
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I noticed this the other day when I was at a party and I found myself asking my friend for her opinion on a recent piece of work of mine. I am both a perfectionist and people pleaser and yes, I do find myself pretty exhausting - since you ask. Anyway, my friend said she liked my work. "Good job!" she said. "But I want you to be honest", I persisted. "Tell me what I could have done better, it's OK if you don't like it." I wanted her to tell me it wasn't good enough - even though those are the very words I am not very good at hearing. Essentially, I am now so driven for validation that I can't help but try and pervert it. How the fuck did I get here?
The thing is, I am not the only one. I don't write this from a sad place - I've long accepted that I am someone who is always going to be gnarled with worry about what everyone else thinks. The millennial generation shares problems ten times more than our parents. We encourage everyone we know to get involved in all aspects of our lives. Of course, the more people you request the feedback of, the more people you open yourself up to recrimination - you're asking a gazillion people for feedback and the stakes are quivering. What are ostensibly private details - relationship woes, financial issues, family dramas - are now shared openly and we both demand and thrive upon the validation of others in all aspects. Terrified you've made the wrong decision? Then we call someone up, unspool a biased description of events and feel ourselves visibly sag with relief when the friend says it's OK. That we're OK. What we have done -- it's OK.
Of course, this leads to a lack of honesty. I'm not saying my friend thought my work was shit - I don't think she did, I think she did, indeed, quite like it - but the devastating reality of someone not approving of something you've done often causes people to fear being honest and bullshit instead. "Course! Totally love it. Totally get it. That's totally fine. I totally understand. I totally agree." Likes lead to lies; it's as simple as just removing that 'k'.
I could go on for hours with this topic. We are a victim of our own sensitivity - I, more than anyone. Whilst it's great that we are all much more emotionally open than we once were - the British 'stiff upper lip' is apparently a thing no more - attaching other peoples' opinions to your life, is dangerous. If there's one reason why we should respect the Mileys and the Brooke Candys of this world, it's not giving a shit about pleasing anyone other than themselves. I don't live my life according to the wishes of others; I don't do my job according to the wishes of others (except my editor - Hi there! Always!) But that doesn't mean I don't feel immense pressure to try and do something everyone will like. Which of course, is impossible. How much more courageous would we be with all our decisions, if we stopped giving a shit? If not in social media - then at least in life.