Emoticons, hashtags and an avalanche of apps: the social media landscape is a confusing terrain. And whilst gender stereotypes may be outdated, but there’s no denying that when it comes to social media, the do’s and don’ts on how to keep your cool vary hugely from men to women. Her dispensing floaty hearts all over Twitter? Not so bad. Him slamdunking a pink bevy of them? Very bad. Website, Social Media Today recently questioned, "Are women from Pinterest and men from LinkedIn?" As my rules below will testify, quite possibly. That said, when it comes to social media, one rule remains a fundamental for both sexes: sharing is not caring.
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Rules for men
- Do marvel at the googly-eyed turd emoji and miniature jugs of beer, but do not use them when wooing. Ever. Especially when dumped. There is no bigger turn off than a man who ends a dolorous tweet with a crying face and a thumbs down. Oh and never turn up in a t-shirt covered in them.
- Do be aware of typos. Showing the hot girl in the office a funny YouTube skit will massively backfire if you type RedTube into your nav bar, instead.
- Do watch your Whatsapp slang. “Fancy sum drinks 2nite?” may be cringey coming from a teenage girl, but it’s downright unedifying from a grown man.
- Do seek titillation via Tinder and Grinder. But don’t let the horny 13-year-old in you resurface. S/he is not a KFC bargain bucket.
- Do tweet your sporting heroes, but don’t try and start a brouhaha with [insert your hated footballer] and his 4 million fans, after an 8 hour pub session. There will be tears and they will be yours.
- Do avoid being the Spotify douche who becomes a playlist princess at every Christmas party.
- Don’t update your Facebook status about how good the party is, when you’re still at the party. No-one will believe you.
- Don’t lie on LinkedIn. When you’re head-hunted by a Spanish-speaking scuba diving school, you’ll feel just like you did when you were busted for tweaking your GCSEs during UCAS.
- Don’t make sexy, sultry videos on Vine for potential paramours. Google Drake Hands guy and you’ll see why.
- Don’t channel Rihanna (applicable to both sexes, tbh) and post Instagram pictures of yourself smoking a spliff. People stopped being impressed by your ganja skillz aged 18.
- Don't join Pinterest unless you are of the creative or visual orient. Pinning pictures of cupcakes and sunsets during your lunch break is not the work of a great man.
- Don’t use pet names on Instagram – no one wants to read about "cocktails with your baby", or "country walks with your boo". You know who you are and it’s unseemly. Yes, it's unfair that women can get away with calling absolutely everyone "my babe" and "my girl" but life sucks a bit like that sometimes.
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Rules for women
- Do take advantage of social media’s casual flirtations. Dawn and Chris O’Porter met on Twitter, after all. But do be aware that Tinder is a raging horn fest where 98% of it's applicants are looking for IRL boning rather than magical, long country rambles.
- Do self-edit. Your Instagram followers need 10 near identical pictures in a row, like they need an #aftersex selfie. If in doubt, slap an Instagram filter on it: Hudson or Walden are always delicious.
- Do be pithy and tell Twitter about the time you called your boss ‘Daddy'. Why do you think that Twitter is now the stomping ground for pretty much every awesome female comic out there?
- Do follow hilarious Insta-animals such as @harlowandsage and @tunameltsmyheart (trust us) on Instagram, but remember to ration the kute kittie pics.
- Do watch your hashtags. The sccharine #blessed and #love will endear you to just about no-one. Yes, VS Angels, I am talking to you.
- Do go wild on occasion with a selfie, but….
- Don’t ever post a belfie, unless it happens to be your most profitable marketing tool. See: Kim Kardash’s bodacious swimsuit-clad derriere. That said, belfies from men are are actually pretty funny, on account of it's being near impossible to sexualise them.
- Don’t do an Amanda Bynes and have your epic meltdown via cyberspace. Save the tears for your 3D pals, not the largely unknown bunch of people that you are ‘friends’ with on Facebook. This quite obviously goes to men, too, but, you know, given that we are already touted as as 'emotional women' by society you should wish to avoid that even more so.
- Don’t get touchscreen happy when inebriated. The gut-wrenching realisation that drunk you has left sober you with a litany of creepy new pals and misspelt, Pinot-soaked Whatsapps is far more nauseating than your hangover will ever be.
- Don’t share ‘breaking news’ on Twitter before you have comprehended it, like TOWIE’s Jess Wright, who compassionately to Twitter to wish Kim Jong II a ‘Rest in peace’.
- Don't get angry when you find out that your boyfriend is also following Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. Who's going to turn down that open door invite?
- Don’t comment “HUNKY” under his mate’s Facebook picture of them at Oktoberfest, either. You will remove his cojones and his dignity in one fell swoop.
Rules for men
- Do marvel at the googly-eyed turd emoji and miniature jugs of beer, but do not use them when wooing. Ever. Especially when dumped. There is no bigger turn off than a man who ends a dolorous tweet with a crying face and a thumbs down. Oh and never turn up in a t-shirt covered in them.
- Do be aware of typos. Showing the hot girl in the office a funny YouTube skit will massively backfire if you type RedTube into your nav bar, instead.
- Do watch your Whatsapp slang. “Fancy sum drinks 2nite?” may be cringey coming from a teenage girl, but it’s downright unedifying from a grown man.
- Do seek titillation via Tinder and Grinder. But don’t let the horny 13-year-old in you resurface. S/he is not a KFC bargain bucket.
- Do tweet your sporting heroes, but don’t try and start a brouhaha with [insert your hated footballer] and his 4 million fans, after an 8 hour pub session. There will be tears and they will be yours.
- Do avoid being the Spotify douche who becomes a playlist princess at every Christmas party.
- Don’t update your Facebook status about how good the party is, when you’re still at the party. No-one will believe you.
- Don’t lie on LinkedIn. When you’re head-hunted by a Spanish-speaking scuba diving school, you’ll feel just like you did when you were busted for tweaking your GCSEs during UCAS.
- Don’t make sexy, sultry videos on Vine for potential paramours. Google Drake Hands guy and you’ll see why.
- Don’t channel Rihanna (applicable to both sexes, tbh) and post Instagram pictures of yourself smoking a spliff. People stopped being impressed by your ganja skillz aged 18.
- Don't join Pinterest unless you are of the creative or visual orient. Pinning pictures of cupcakes and sunsets during your lunch break is not the work of a great man.
- Don’t use pet names on Instagram – no one wants to read about "cocktails with your baby", or "country walks with your boo". You know who you are and it’s unseemly. Yes, it's unfair that women can get away with calling absolutely everyone "my babe" and "my girl" but life sucks a bit like that sometimes.
Rules for women
- Do take advantage of social media’s casual flirtations. Dawn and Chris O’Porter met on Twitter, after all. But do be aware that Tinder is a raging horn fest where 98% of it's applicants are looking for IRL boning rather than magical, long country rambles.
- Do self-edit. Your Instagram followers need 10 near identical pictures in a row, like they need an #aftersex selfie. If in doubt, slap an Instagram filter on it: Hudson or Walden are always delicious.
- Do be pithy and tell Twitter about the time you called your boss ‘Daddy'. Why do you think that Twitter is now the stomping ground for pretty much every awesome female comic out there?
- Do follow hilarious Insta-animals such as @harlowandsage and @tunameltsmyheart (trust us) on Instagram, but remember to ration the kute kittie pics.
- Do watch your hashtags. The sccharine #blessed and #love will endear you to just about no-one. Yes, VS Angels, I am talking to you.
- Do go wild on occasion with a selfie, but….
- Don’t ever post a belfie, unless it happens to be your most profitable marketing tool. See: Kim Kardash’s bodacious swimsuit-clad derriere. That said, belfies from men are are actually pretty funny, on account of it's being near impossible to sexualise them.
- Don’t do an Amanda Bynes and have your epic meltdown via cyberspace. Save the tears for your 3D pals, not the largely unknown bunch of people that you are ‘friends’ with on Facebook. This quite obviously goes to men, too, but, you know, given that we are already touted as as 'emotional women' by society you should wish to avoid that even more so.
- Don’t get touchscreen happy when inebriated. The gut-wrenching realisation that drunk you has left sober you with a litany of creepy new pals and misspelt, Pinot-soaked Whatsapps is far more nauseating than your hangover will ever be.
- Don’t share ‘breaking news’ on Twitter before you have comprehended it, like TOWIE’s Jess Wright, who compassionately to Twitter to wish Kim Jong II a ‘Rest in peace’.
- Don't get angry when you find out that your boyfriend is also following Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. Who's going to turn down that open door invite?
- Don’t comment “HUNKY” under his mate’s Facebook picture of them at Oktoberfest, either. You will remove his cojones and his dignity in one fell swoop.